What Fear Can Do To You

I’ve been sick… for about 3 weeks in January after I returned from a short trip back home for Christmas to Hawaii. I have a medical condition called hypothyroidism which isn’t serious but causes more fatigue in me than other people. When I feel extreme fatigue, my body seems to have a sign that it sends me… rashes around my eyes that end up giving me goldfish eyes. Not pretty to look at. In the last 6 months, I’ve had about 2 occurrences of eye-rashes.

However, in the last 3 weeks, I’ve had 8 occurrences of rashes around my eyes… One time it started to swell in the middle of my 10th grade English class and by the time the class was over, one of my eyes was as big as a golf ball. I did not have the energy to cook or do anything else after work. I had to lie down for at least 30 min to even change out my work clothes. Something was wrong… what could be wrong???

As soon as I returned from Hawaii in January, there was big news in Cambodia about deaths of two Korean college students, who were in Cambodia for a 2-week mission trip, after eating something off the streets. Then I heard news about a missionary’s daughter in Cambodia who had cold that developed into pneumonia which caused collapsing of one lung while leaving the other one to function only 20% because Cambodian hospitals didn’t have adequate equipments to treat her. (She had to be flown to Thailand for treatment under intensive care.)

I started to panic. I just wanted to go back home. I started to fear every aspect of living in Cambodia. I wasn’t sure if I could keep my family safe and healthy and panic, fear, anxiety, and homesickness consumed me.

I once preached that “fear” is a control issue and that we fear things that we cannot control. And when we fear, we begin to focus on ourselves and our weaknesses and fail to focus on God. Well, sure enough, I started to focus on “me” instead of the Almighty, All-powerful, Good God who sent us here. When everything in my soul was consumed about how “I” need to keep the family safe and how “I” need to keep them healthy, all the while fighting off the fear that’s eating me from the inside, my physical body decided to go berserk too.

I’m feeling much better now. Still trying to regain my strength. I feel like I’ve just run through the “valley of the SHADOW of death” only to realize that I didn’t have to run alone and that the deathly feelings were nothing but “shadows.” My God, who loves me to death, will never fail me and will always be with me. So I lay my fear and my desire to control my life before the cross and recommit my life wholly to God. God is surely Good and He is Good… ALL THE TIME…

(PIC ABOVE: We had to stand in line to see the doctor but because of the blazing sun even at 8 am, people decided to let their foot-wears do the lining.)

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